Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Shaking the pillars

Yesterday was a really hard day. That's actually an understatement, yesterday flat out sucked. Going into the day, I knew it was going to be a challenge, but I walked in with my head held high, battle standard flying and ready to face whatever battle was to await. How did the day end? With my tail tucked in between my legs and me running off to lick my wounds. All my bravado was not enough to make the day go smoothly. I felt defeated.

Like I said....the day sucked.

So when I laid my head down on my pillow last night, it was with the knowledge that I had to return to battle again today. It was not a pleasant thought.

What did I do this morning?

I woke up, did kala, aligned my souls, had a brief discussion with Nimue, and prepared myself. I walked through those doors again today with the standard raised and my head held high. Was I afraid? You bet. Was I more afraid than I had been the day before? Of course. Now I had an experience to frame my expectations. But what were my options? To walk in there begrudgingly with my fear showing on my sleeve? I owed those children more than that. I owed MYSELF more than that. So I let that fear temper the bravado, inform my decisions. I learned from the defeat, changed my tactics, and today was much better. A victory? Perhaps. It was still a challenge, I was still drained to my very core, but I had a sense of a job well done.

There is a move in the 8 brocades of qigong called Shaking the Pillars. In a sense, you stand up on your tiptoes, and then fall back on your heels sending a shock wave through your whole body. It's more relaxing than it sounds. The idea is that by shaking the pillar that is your body, you shake off the stagnant chi, which lets your channels open up, increasing overall chi flow. This experience was something very similar. I have been riding this post Pantheacon mana high, feeling like nothing could stand in my way. The incredible challenge that I faced yesterday really shook my to my core. I started to question if I could really do the job set in front of me. Was I in over my head?

But I got over it. I was confronted with the challenge and I overcame it. In a sense it shook away the idea that I nothing stood in my way, the fantasy, and grounded it in reality. Nothing can stand in my way, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy. Being a warrior doesn't mean always winning. It means picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and starting over.

It means the only thing that ever stood in my way was myself. But no longer.

Look out world, this Witch is ready for battle once more.