Fear

This morning I woke up about an hour before my alarm was set to go off. I felt rested and alert, so I decided to get up. I noticed that I wasn't feeling quite as open energetically as I have been, so after my morning ritual of going potty, I sat down with my kala cup and did another sort of morning ritual. While I have always wanted to develop a morning practice, I have never been enough of a morning person to do it. I'd set my alarm to go off early, but when the time came to get up, I'd just hit snooze. The difference here? I wanted to do it; before, I felt obligated. I would tell myself that I SHOULD do it.

Let me tell you, don't should yourself to death. For me, the shoulds were just another vehicle for devaluing myself. I should be doing this, but I don't so I am a bad witch. The real help I got dealing with that particular complex didn't come from Feri per se, but from my exploration into Taoism. Don't fight the energy, go with it, like a reed in the stream. Wu wei, inaction, or better yet action through inaction, which I think is wei wu wei, but don't quote me on that. When you should yourself, you are trying to swim upstream.

Now I am not advocating lack of practice, or total stillness, just awareness of where you are in the moment. I look back on all the times that I beat myself up over "not doing my work" when in fact the work was doing me. Feri is more than just sitting in front of an altar and doing "the exercises," it is a living breathing practice. Although I also acknowledge had I done those exercises that maybe those times of "not doing my work" would have been less painful. Contradictory a bit I know, but hey, its Feri.

So my work this morning, which was the original point of this post, brought up a significant amount of fear that I have sitting in fetch. This morning I start a new position at my job, one that has significantly more time with the kids, of which I am very excited about. But it is also presenting quite a few challenges. It's scary, and fetch knows it. What if I can't do it? What if I lose my temper? What if I end up hating it? What if? What if? What if?

In the past, I would have had a hard time "dealing" with that fear. What I know today is that there is nothing to deal with at all. That fear is valuable, it is primal, it lets me be aware of potential pitfalls, and most importantly, it gives me power. Instead of running from it, trying to bury it, trying to hide from it because it was unpleasant, I let it be. I pulled the energy of that fear up, and used it to pound the drums of war in my heart. War you say? I thought you worked with kids? So if you don't get the analogy you have obviously never worked with kids. ;-) But seriously, yes. The heart of the Warrior that beats in my soul and doesn't back down. Fear is nothing to be afraid of, it lets us know we are alive, it lets us know we are doing something right!

I welcome my fear to give me the strength I need to do my Work.

Be Blessed my friends!