Sunday, February 27, 2011

Stillness and Pig Muck

This morning I woke up before everyone else in the house. This isn't entirely unusual for me on the weekends, but in the past it has been a source of discomfort. I would be awake, and all by myself, what on earth was I to do? This usually consisted of trying to make myself go back to sleep for a while. When that would be unsuccessful I would usually stare at my wife until she would wake up, or turn on the TV, or play video games. Just this one simple thing, my reaction to waking up early, shows me how much I have grown. I laid in bed for a while this morning, but without the nervous energy. I didn't feel compelled to wake up my wife, I just noticed my breath and thought about my dreams with a smile on my face. I explored my mind, where are my thoughts going this morning, where am I distracted? When I had enough of that, I just got up. There is a stillness to a house where everyone else is sleeping that used to make me uncomfortable, but this morning it was peaceful. I put on some music that I do qigong to (quietly of course) and went about doing my work. First a seated meditation, then some qigong standing meditation, a few qigong movements, but then I just allowed the energy to move within me unguided. This is something we do in class from time to time, and I find it so freeing. Freestyle Tai Chi if you will. I aligned my souls, I made kala, I siezed the day.

I find myself having spiritual epiphany in the most mundane tasks as of late. It's the whole "chop wood, carry water" idea from Chinese philosophy. Yesterday for example, I helped my mother in law muck out a pig stall. So those of you who know me can attest to the fact that by nature I am a soft city boy, so needless to say this was a new experience for me. If you have never had the joy of doing this task then let me illuminate is revolting. I found the smell so overpowering at points that I started to dry heave. So you may be asking yourself at this point, how do dry heaving and spiritual epiphany come together? Well, I'm glad you asked...

Sometimes this work is not fun. Sometimes, when your goal is to heal your scars and become more fully yourself, you have to wade through a lot of shit. I have had times during my work, that I forgot that I was doing it. I would be so overcome by the discomfort of my situation that the pain was all I was aware of. And let me tell you, when you are ankle deep in pig muck, it seems like a task that will never end. But what choices do we have? Can we walk away from our work? Sure, for a time, but the issues will still be there effecting you in ways that you are not conscious of. The pigs won't muck themselves. I wasn't going to allow my 68 year old mother in law to do all that hard labor herself, and there was no one else to do the work that needed to be done. Sound familiar? You can't let someone else do your Great Work for you, and no one else can do it but you anyway. The only way out is then through. You have to suck it up. My brain kept flashing to Thorn saying "I know you are scared...So what" during the Morrigan ritual at Pantheacon. I know this is gross....So what. I know this is hard, that it's painful, that you want to run away screaming...So what. It has to be done. So you keep going, you keep filling the wheelbarrow with shit, dry heaving and all, because it needs to be done. You keep going, and suddenly...the task is done. You made it through to the other side. I had such a great feeling of accomplishment when I was done. My fetch wanted to laugh and dance, because I persevered. It was the hardest, most revolting work I had ever done, and I stuck it out and finished. This has been my spiritual work. The few years afer my initiation was *really* hard. I had my Saturn returns at the same time, my life was chaos, but I have moved through it. I am stronger now, having gone through those experiences, I am more the Witch then I ever have been before. Does that mean the work is done? Of course not, but I will be more prepared for the trials next time...and maybe, just maybe...shoveling the pig shit won't be so hard the next time. But even if it is, I know I have the Warrior spirit within me to face it with my head held high...

But I will still probably bitch about it.

Be blessed my friends.

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